Monday, April 5, 2010

Have You Talked to Your Doctor About Goteamtra?

I’ve said a number of times that if I could bottle and sell the feeling one gets from participating in Team in Training, then I would be a very wealthy man. So it got me to wondering – what if there were such a medication? What would its TV commercial be like? Maybe something like this…

Are you longing to make a positive difference in the world? Do you feel restless when you see people out running or biking while you sit lethargically on your couch or sleep half the day away? Are negative people getting you down? Maybe it is time you had an open conversation with your doctor about Goteamtra.

Goteamtra is a medication that will boost your energy, increase your smile factor, and help you bond with new people. Instead of lethargically sleeping late on Saturdays, you will bound out of bed ready and eager to train with friends. You will have the strength and energy to run, walk, or bike long distances, or to compete in a long distance triathlon. You will experience the glow of helping others, and knowing that you are contributing to the ultimate victory over blood cancers. During races, strangers will cheer for you and call out your name, and you will smile from ear to ear. You will experience feelings of euphoria, and have amazing and sharp memories that will last a lifetime. You will generate positive vibes to the people around you. You will have the strength to gladly stand for hours cheering for friends and strangers as they race along. Your weight and fat content should decrease while your muscle mass, strength, and endurance increase.

Goteamtra does have certain side effects that you should discuss with your doctor. You may develop an unusual affinity for the color purple. You might ignore pain and exhaustion to continue running or competing. You could feel a compulsion to stick Team in Training tattoos on your face or on other body parts, and to shout “Go Team!” You might start talking to strangers about the difficulties of curing blood cancers, and how they can help. If you should experience a marathon lasting more than nine hours, seek immediate medical attention. In rare instances, Goteamtra has been known to become addictive.

Goteamtra is not for everyone. If you are an extremely negative person, someone who likes to rain on everyone else’s parade, or someone who is just plain mean, Goteamtra is not going to help you. However, you could have a frank discussion with your doctor about having an eyerectomy. This is a delicate operation to disconnect your eyes from your rectum, thus improving your shitty outlook on life.

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