Art is Retiring From Team in Training: Forever!

You heard it here first: I am retiring from Team in Training forever! Folding my beloved purple singlet and stuffing it in a drawer. Hanging up the running shoes. Putting away my white TNT cap with the three 26.2 and one 13.1 pins on it. No looking back. No changing my mind. No way!

By tomorrow morning, this will be big news, starting with my interview and extended coverage on ESPN Sports Center. In my press conference, I will blink back tears and tell the world that it is just my time to go. I will thank my teammates and supporters, and answer a few questions from the shocked audience and press corps. Then the other networks will pick the story up: NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. “We interrupt this programming for a special bulletin…”

There will, of course, be some statements from teammates. Some of them will get a little choked up, but you will hear things like: “Well, it did seem like he had lost a step lately.” And “I kind of wondered if he was losing his groove when he made that rookie mistake and had sunscreen nearly blind him in Nashville.” And “I hate to see him go, but I guess if he says it’s time, it’s time.” And “Truthfully, he has been kind of a disruptive force on the team lately.”

Out on the streets, women will openly sob quietly and hug one another. They will say things like: “He was such a hottie!” And “I can’t believe we won’t see his amazing physique lumbering down the marathon courses anymore.” Grown men will stare at the ground, shuffling their feet and pretending not to cry, and saying things like: “Dang!” And “I can’t believe he is retiring after all these years!” Little kids will go nuts with sports card trades: “I’ll give you two Derek Jeters and three A-Rods for your Art Ritter in the 2006 Rock ‘N’ Roll Marathon in San Diego!” And Friday night, sports bars all over will do a brisk business as fans everywhere attempt to drown their sorrows. (Please drink responsibly!).

Yep, I’m hanging up the running shoes for good. Of course, expect to see some clips on the news of me out doing laps with some high school cross country runners. Gotta keep the publicity channels open, right? (I’ll be the one doubled over on the ground, gasping for air while I throw up.)

Nope, I won’t be back. Not now. Not next year. Not never. Never-ever! Until, of course, I judge the time is right, and I can get a huge donation and a lot of great press by jumping back into the game. You know that $25,000 donation I was hoping for? I bet I can get double that for LLS with this strategy. Just imagine the headline: “Walmart Agrees to Donate $50,000 to LLS if Ritter comes out of Retirement.” Or maybe a pro-football star will make a huge donation to lure me back? Maybe Peyton Manning or Donovan McNabb? Maybe Tom Brady? Maybe – dare I hope – Brett Favre?

So did I say never? What I really meant to say was, well, you know. So don’t totally rule out seeing me back on the marathon course at some point. Could be Virginia. Maybe New York – turning on those jets down the stretch. Perhaps even pack my stuff and head to Green Bay. Somewhere. Someday. Bank on it – I’ll be back in a purple jersey before too long. Hmmm – purple? Maybe in – Minnesota?